“It has been a while since you have done anything that you have planned and it is time you get back to doing things you planned”… this was the voice in my head. I need to get back to the real me who gets things done in real-time and who doesn’t worry about making the deadline.
The voice keeps going ” you have become this person who is scared, worries too much, and little things are making you feel sad and lonely, you worry too much and I don’t like this”… frankly I don’t like it either and I realized I need to let me be happy and worry free, be the person that Tibe and TIye know and love.
I really want to get out of this self-inflicted hibernation. How I got here in the first place I never know. I need me some of Brad’s optimistic views. I mean the guy has so much stuff to bother him, an Iraq vet, he had to deal with illness in the family and then SDAP. But nothing phases him, he is always smiling and giving me a moral boost every time I am not sure about stuff. I keep playing the scenes back and forth time and again. I was just talking to him and the poor guy’s heart decided to go into A-fib (Its name comes from the fibrillating (i.e., quivering) of the heart muscles of the atria, instead of a coordinated contraction). I was like stunned since everybody rushed in to do something, the strange part is the poor guy was tolerating it and he felt fine through all the strangeness around him. Any way Brad was passing by and I was talking to one of the RA nurses; he stops by and I whisper (A-Fib), if it was me I would have said..” oh really?’…. he says…” are you ok?”… I node ” Yes”… and he gives me a thumbs up and smiles and leaves me. I keep revisiting this scene over and over, although now Brad teases me that who ever I talk to will have A-fib…but the main thing I kept remembering was how optimistic he always is, I used to be that person. I don’t feel like that any more, I mean I am that person when I pray, but I lose my ways at times.
May be it is just the weather, or the stress, or the incident with the one person that I love and respect the most, I don’t know. I am feeling lonely all the time and I feel like crying at times. It gets better with prayer and mezmur, but I need my friends here who can handle my tamper tantrums, I am not letting it out and I guess that is what is making me stay in this monotone state.
I have decided to take on Acute with a new view and hope and energy and with GOD’s help it will be awesome. But I still wish Tiye and Papy were here with me. Mostly because I just need to be hugged and I get it without asking for it. I miss you guys